Coffee & Conversations

Last month, the NY Times Opinion section published a piece titled “Older women in demand by younger men”.  The first line of the essay reads, “Younger men are increasingly seeking out older women—and it’s not just a dating trend.  It’s a shift in power, desire and modern masculinity.”  Although this opinion is centered around the American dating scene, I wanted to reflect on the reality of older Muslim women being considered for marriage by younger Muslim men.  This reality is a central storyline in any narration of the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and we can consider it as we imagine our own premarital expectations.

Before prophethood, our Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) was a trusted member of the community and a skilled merchant.  He led caravans to distant lands, trading goods and resources, buying and selling.  His employer was our Beloved Mother Khadijah, known then as the most successful business woman of her time.  When she was considering marriage for the third time as a single mother, after being widowed twice, she looked for a trustworthy husband, someone to lead her family and join her in her business network.  She was 40 years old when a friend suggested that she consider Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), a young 25 year old whose reputation was remarkable.  She sent word to him about her interest, his reply confirmed his interest, and the beginning of a 25 year marriage love story began.  We all know the rest of their story — the emergence of Prophethood, the sacrifices endured during the Makkan boycott, and the immense grief felt upon her death.  Our faith has modeled how love, trust, and commitment can blossom from a marriage between an older woman and a younger man.

And although contemporary American society may question the genuineness of such a marriage, Muslims today should not hesitate to embody this aspect of the Prophetic tradition.  But as a premarital coach, I’ve learned there are some considerations that singles should make when planning a premarital experience across a significant age gap between an older woman and a younger man.  [For the purposes of this reflection, a significant age gap will be defined as any relationship where the sister is 5 or more years older that the brother.]

1. Explore motivations and capacity.  One reason why marriages across significant age gaps remains uncommon is that people bring objectionable motivations to the relationship.  It’s important to seek clarity why the other person is considering you for marriage.  Be cautious against someone seeking you for your age bracket or a social status, and look for a partner who values you as an individual.  Is this person seeking stability or liberation from social norms by considering you for marriage?  Do you suspect that they are incompatible with people their own age, so they are seeking an easier way to find a marriage partner?  Are they trying to exert masculinity or femininity in ways that are not accepted by others in their own age group?  These questions will guide you in exploring your motivations, and the other person’s motivations for marriage across age gaps.  

Another reason why marriage across significant age gaps remains uncommon is that many people do not have the physical, emotional, or social capacity to support such a relationship.  To consider if the other person is truly ready, try asking yourself questions like:

• Beauty and attraction changes over time, how will this person gain the capacity to respond with care and gentleness to my physical changes due to age?
• If I experience health, strength, or emotional challenges due to age, how will this person gain the capacity to respond with sensitivity?
• If my desire, or lack of desire, for childrearing is due to age, how will we create the capacity to build a shared agreement?
• If I experience unwanted social attention because of our age gap, how will this person demonstrate strength to protect my emotions around others?
• People across significant age gaps are often in different life stages.  How will this person gain the capacity to truly support you in your current life stage?

2. Confirm intentions.  The NY Times Opinion article suggests that more people are considering relationships with significant age gaps because it offers new possibilities beyond someone in their own age group.  The article discusses both men and women looking for new expectations of power dynamics, reimagining attraction, and freedom from social norms.  In a Muslim premarital relationship, all couples should have open conversations about marriage intentions and this is quite true for couples with a significant age gap.  Of course, in Islam there are traditional marriage roles assigned to men and women, but each couples should openly discuss these to ensure that they reflect their own understanding and motivations associated with their image of marriage.  Managing work and finances, raising children, setting social expectations, relationships with in-laws, and even wedding celebration planning have the potential to be understood quite differently among people with a significant age gap.  This may lead to different expectations of marriage shaped by one’s age and life experiences, and these should be addressed directly to protect the premarital relationship from hidden expectations.  
3. Explore social compatibility.  Couples with a significant age gap need to ensure that there is social compatibility between them.  Prepare your loved ones for the expected realities of supporting a marriage across a significant age gap, and model how to display respectful talk and a caring disposition.  Protect your partner from age-related jokes and vague insults.  Spend time together with your family, and time with theirs to confirm that both sets of families are open to building loving and healthy relationships with the potential in-law.  Spend time together with your friends, and time with theirs to see if your social connections can support this new relationship with shared activities.  And, most importantly, determine if the two of you have social compatibility together— find shared interests and priorities to build a potential social relationship after marriage across your age difference.  Of course many married couples can look forward to creating new social relationships with others after marriage, but no one should have to enter a marriage knowing that their existing support systems across family and friends are not positioned to extend their approval and assistance to a new couple across a significant age gap.  
4. Bring curiosity and interest.  The premarital process is dedicated to exploring compatibility for marriage through intentional conversations between a Muslim man and woman.  This is especially true for couples exploring marriage across a significant age gap.  Protect yourself against assigning values, beliefs and practices to your potential partner because of their age.  Lean in with curiosity to get to know them as an individual, not an age bracket.  Explore their interests, understand their priorities, and learn about their experiences.  If someone has a previous marriage or even children, engage in questions of curiosity rather than building assumptions about their past.  A healthy marriage begins with a genuine curiosity to truly know one another.  Be cautious with people who speak about you by always referencing your age and your age difference, or who assert their age or life experience as domination over you and your life experiences.  No one should belittle you because of your age, and no one should assume superiority because of theirs.  Premarital relationships across significant age gaps should still model respect, care, and a kind disposition.  

To explore these topics and many others, I recommend that couples with a significant age gap begin the premarital counseling process early in their relationship to have external assistance working through these complex realities.  

In a Coffee & Conversations private eligibility appointment, I ask each potential participant to state their age and describe the age range they are open to meeting for marriage.  I welcome participants who are open to exploring nontraditional age ranges as an attempt to model the Prophetic tradition.  To be clear, I do not facilitate premarital introductions among people whose intentions are to explore base desires.  I seek to create safe spaces for singles to meet one another, and this includes building small groups of single men and single women who express authentic interests to meet others through a shared commitment of exploring marriage with or without regards to their age.

Today, I hosted my 28th book talk event with 9 single Muslim men and women.  We came together for a discussion around the book “Marriage at Sea”.  For those who haven’t read it, it’s a great book about a couple shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and the ways in which they maintained their marriage through this incredible difficulty.  Everyone who read the book enjoyed it, even if we had some significant frustrations with some of their decisions.  

The format of a small group discussion facilitated some meaningful revelations about the adventures that we have each had in our lives.  A few people told stories of their own experiences navigating the ocean.  Several people shared how their close relationships with their families tethers them to home, even when planning adventures beyond.  Through the conversation we learned who has taken solo international trips, who left home in search of Islamic knowledge, and who immigrated to the U.S. on their own.  We listened closely to stories of danger, companionship, and trust.  We used the book to launch some incredible conversations about some of our most interesting life experiences, sharing how we learned to rely on Allah.

Because the book centers around a couple’s marriage at sea, we also used our conversation to talk about marriage and the ways in which men and women show strength and appreciation during the hard times in a marriage.  There was general agreement that marriage has its ups and downs, but we also moved into some intentional conversations about how men and women typically display emotions and resilience in difficult times.  Some of us considered how we have responded to difficult times in the past, suggesting how we might respond to a shipwreck experience in a future marriage.  We discussed why history continues to write the story of the man as the hero, when this story and many others confirm that women often lead a family through difficult times in quiet, persistent ways.  And, we talked openly about how our faith shapes our understanding of marriage and our connection to adventure.

This was not an academic discussion.  There was laughter and shock, plus sharing and curiosity that emerged naturally from a dynamic conversation.  Several people demonstrated care for others by inviting the more quiet ones to enter the conversation.  People listened closely to others and made meaningful connections to previous ideas, showing intentionality and care.  Self awareness led some to hold back in the group, and comfort led others to open up.  Near the end, when everyone introduced themselves, it felt easy and relaxed as people opened up about who they are and what others should know about them.

I ask everyone, men and women, in these events if they felt comfortable.  If I can create an environment that feels comfortable, then singles will be more able to show up authentically in this environment.  This allows people to talk openly about themselves, their life priorities, and their past experiences.  It lets people find similarities with others who are new to them.  And, most importantly, it reduces the stress associated with attending a matrimonial event.  No one shows up authentically under stress, and no one can truly be curious about meeting someone new under their own stress.  Today, the participants smiled openly and shared that they felt comfortable.  I’m marking this 28th book talk event as a success!

Recently, I spoke with a community leader in another state who was interested in starting a Coffee & Conversations program in their local area.  I began by describing the format of my book talk events and talked over the details I consider when building an invitation list.  I explained how my project has developed over time through participant feedback and evaluative reflections.  But when I explained how I am shaping my role as a premarital coach, their interest piqued, particularly when I shared that I offer coaching advice in writing.  I hadn’t considered how unique of an approach this was until I started describing it further. 

My first coaching advice is shared at the time a single person receives an invitation to attend a Coffee & Conversations event.  I start with setting intentions for participating by reminding singles “intend to participate with an open heart and an open mind, refrain from making quick judgments about others.”  This is critical advice as too many singles share past experiences of attending premarital programs and making dramatic claims that there are ‘no potentials’ there, based on broad assumptions about the other participants.  Or, they admit that they only attended events because someone made them go, leading to closed minds and closed hearts.  I ask everyone to set sincere intentions before attending a book talk event to foster open and authentic conversations.

After a book talk event, all the couples who match receive another set of written advices.  I offer guidance about what to talk about in the early stages, where to go to have premarital conversations, when and how to get their families involved, how to pray istikhara (prayer of guidance), and how to ‘break up’ if someone isn’t the right fit for them.  I even offer advice on how to make a great first impression.  I prioritize each person’s emotional wellbeing as this process can get emotionally complicated.  My advice is rooted in translating Prophetic practices into modern guidelines.  We cannot simply cut and paste the practices of American dating, and many of the premarital processes from previous generations don’t work for American Muslims today.  My goal is clear—for everyone to have a healthy, safe, and Prophetically-inspired premarital experience. 

I can’t predict if the matches that come from my Coffee & Conversations events will lead to marriage.  But I’ve learned over the years from many singles that my coaching advice has helped them approach the premarital process everytime they meet a potential with intentionality, purpose, and a clear framework.  This is true for those who are starting their first premarital conversation, and those who have been searching for years.  In fact, at a community wedding recently, a single person pulled me aside and shared that they are in conversations with someone about marriage.  They didn’t meet the other person at one of my events, but my coaching advice helped them navigate this new relationship with more ease and success.  (I hope I hear about a new engagement soon, inshAllah!)  Years ago, when I consulted a more experienced community matchmaker, she reminded me that success is not defined as how many marriages come from your events, but it’s how many people you helped along the way.

This is why I have begun to introduce myself in community events as a premarital coach.  I offer private events for singles to meet one another for marriage, but I also coach them along the entire premarital journey.  I’m so appreciative for the opportunity to mentor a community leader about initiating their own Coffee & Conversations and include coaching in their future plans.  It’s truly a full circle moment!  May Allah increase our efforts and bring success to our work. 

“Whether you call us reverts or converts, adults who accept Islam on their own need particular supports as they navigate the premarital process.“

I declared my Shahadah at the Islamic Center of Washington DC the first Friday in October 1994.  I rode the Metrobus to Massachusetts Avenue to get to the masjid, wearing a new dress and matching hijab that I sewed myself.  On the bus, an older Muslim man approached me and asked if I was Muslim.  I smiled and said “yes” feeling giddy that I was recognized as a Muslim on my Shahadah day.  Then he asked me if I was single and I froze in utter dismay and embarrassment.  I didn’t understand why my marital status was the follow up question to my new religious identity.  He didn’t skip a beat and told me he had a nephew that I could marry who would be perfect for me.  I was too new in the faith to realize that I had the right to be offended, so I just sat there in shock and confusion.  

My story is not unique.  Many other sisters who accept Islam as adults narrate stories of being approached by strange Muslim men with proposals for marriage.  We are told that there is no dating in Islam and that we should just accept any proposal from a good, Muslim man to protect ourselves from sin.  We are shamed for being self-indulgent and materialistic if we turn down a marriage proposal, even one delivered by a stranger.  And the beautiful phrase, ‘marriage is half your deen’, is weaponized against us as a charge that we are incomplete Muslims because we are single. 

This is not okay.  This weekend, I participated in a Revert Conference where I helped start a conversation on how best to navigate the premarital process after accepting Islam.  Whether you call us reverts or converts, adults who accept Islam on their own need particular supports as they navigate the premarital process. Although I offered many advices and recommendations, it was my conversation on the role of the wali that truly resonated with the brothers and sisters in the audience.  The wali, translated often as guardian, is the role a man plays on behalf of a single woman to assist her with getting married.  For reverts, we often select, or are assigned, a brother in the community without understanding the significance of the role and the importance of guardianship.  So for all those who wish to support converts in their local area, let’s agree to the following community commitments to strengthen the experiences of those among us.

1. Married men should partner with their wives to serve as a wali for a single sister.  There are too many cases of spiritual abuse of a wali taking advantage of the trust of a single sister.  It is not appropriate, nor permissible, for the wali to seek out opportunities to be alone with the sister he is expected to protect, nor is it appropriate for him to try to initiate a private relationship with her.  Instead, men can accept the role of wali while fully involving their wife in the process.  They can talk as a group of three about how best to support the single sister, building a relationship with her as a married couple.  This offers protection and comfort to the sister navigating the premarital process.
2. The wali should serve as a bridge between the revert and their family.  The wali can help the single person communicate the marriage process to a family that may be unfamiliar with Islamic practices.  The wali can also help the single person involve their family in the premarital process.  The wali provides an essential role of ensuring the single person has adequate premarital support, but the wali should not exclude the family from the process.  Marriage in Islam is the union of two families, and this includes the family of the convert.  The wali can help facilitate this involvement in ways that affirm the new Muslim’s religious identity and practice while maintaining their family ties.
3. The role of the wali and his wife should extend far beyond the premarital process.  Should the revert successfully marry, the new couple will need abundant support as they build relationships between Muslim and non-Muslim in-laws.  The wali and his wife should continue to mentor the new couple and serve as a guide as they encounter new milestones in their marriage.  And, should the convert not get married, the wali and his wife should continue to provide support and guidance, even if the single person is no longer actively speaking to someone for marriage.  A guardian should be there through all seasons of life.

Thank you to the Muslim Community Center in Silver Spring, Maryland, for inviting me to speak today at their first Revert Conference.  I appreciated being able to speak openly about the unique journey that adults face when they navigate the premarital process as a new Muslim.  May Allah bless and protect all of the reverts among us, and may He strengthen our communities with increased capacity and empathy to support everyone, especially our newest members.

Navigating the Pre-Marriage Process as a Family

This morning I led a MOM network discussion about supporting our adult children through the pre-marriage process.  I’ve been delivering community workshops on pre-marriage for almost 20 years, but this was my first time speaking to an exclusively Muslim parent audience.  Of course I covered some of my standard topics— defining the purpose of marriage in Islam, the sunnah of choosing a spouse, and guidance for Muslims on what to look for in a husband or a wife.  This was essential information that parents need to support their adult children.

But, speaking to parents of adult children offered a unique opportunity to address some of the most common concerns that young singles have shared with me over the years.  In preparing for today’s conversation I identified three key advices that all parents need to know if they want to maintain a healthy, open relationship with their adult children through the premarital journey.  I’ll share my advices here for all of you — pass it along to a parent navigating this journey with their adult child.

1. Keep your reflections real!  Marriage is a beautiful institution in Islam.  But not all marriages project beauty, peace, and love.  So when you are talking with your adult child about marriage, keep it real–be honest–when you begin to reflect on your own experiences of marriage.  For many adult children, they see your marriage relationship up close.  All marriages have challenges, even the ones that last for decades.  And many marriages have an element of goodness, even the ones that ended in divorce.  So when a parent talks about marriage in Islam with their adult child, be transparent and forthcoming.  Teach your child how marriage is work— work that persists in good times and bad.  Talk to your child about the beauties of marriage, even if you haven’t been able to fully experience them.  And help your adult child remember that they are witness to many types of marriages, across aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends, and community members.  Use all of these examples to describe healthy marriage in Islam, showing how it can be rooted in beauty, peace, and love.  
2. Manage your expectations!  Parents need to acknowledge that they hold expectations for their adult child’s premarital journey.  Some parents expect their child to have a premarital experience that mirrors their own.  Others expect them to choose a partner using the same criteria that they used decades ago.  And others expect their adult children to maintain the family’s lineage by choosing a partner from their same background.  But without direct conversations, these can become hidden expectations that may disrupt an adult child’s premarital experience.  Instead, I encourage parents to talk and listen with their adult child about shared expectations.  Be open to your child having a premarital experience different from your own.  Consider how times have changed and our context has shifted.  And be willing to create new premarital expectations together. 
3. Nurture your child’s emotional wellbeing!  The premarital process is complex and complicated, and your adult child may experience challenges and delays as they seek to get married.  During this time, parents should nurture their child’s emotional wellbeing.  Encourage your adult child to build healthy friendships.  Support your adult child’s continuing education and professional goals.  Champion their emerging independence and adult behaviors.  Parents should not belittle their adult child for being single— no shaming, no condescension, no embarrassment.  Parents should not tell their adult child to put their growth and development on hold until they get married, or narrowly focus on skills needed for housework or childrearing.  Adult children need parents who affirm their emotional wellbeing by showing love, affection, and support through all stages of the premarital process— especially the time before they find someone serious to consider.  Lastly, be open to your child seeking advice and mentorship from another trusted community member. This may include an imam, marriage coach, or role model of their choice. (I offer complementary pre-marriage coaching for all Coffee & Conversations participants).

Adult children need their parents during the premarital process.  Parents need to show up, be supportive, and be involved in ways that are helpful to their adult child during the premarital process.  Thank you, MOM network, for convening this important conversation for parents of adult children.  

May Allah grant ease to all of our adult children as they navigate this period to find a spouse who will be the comfort of their eyes.  And may Allah bestow upon parents wisdom and discernment as we journey with our adult children through the premarital process. Ameen!