Recently, I spoke with a community leader in another state who was interested in starting a Coffee & Conversations program in their local area. I began by describing the format of my book talk events and talked over the details I consider when building an invitation list. I explained how my project has developed over time through participant feedback and evaluative reflections. But when I explained how I am shaping my role as a premarital coach, their interest piqued, particularly when I shared that I offer coaching advice in writing. I hadn’t considered how unique of an approach this was until I started describing it further.
My first coaching advice is shared at the time a single person receives an invitation to attend a Coffee & Conversations event. I start with setting intentions for participating by reminding singles “intend to participate with an open heart and an open mind, refrain from making quick judgments about others.” This is critical advice as too many singles share past experiences of attending premarital programs and making dramatic claims that there are ‘no potentials’ there, based on broad assumptions about the other participants. Or, they admit that they only attended events because someone made them go, leading to closed minds and closed hearts. I ask everyone to set sincere intentions before attending a book talk event to foster open and authentic conversations.
After a book talk event, all the couples who match receive another set of written advices. I offer guidance about what to talk about in the early stages, where to go to have premarital conversations, when and how to get their families involved, how to pray istikhara (prayer of guidance), and how to ‘break up’ if someone isn’t the right fit for them. I even offer advice on how to make a great first impression. I prioritize each person’s emotional wellbeing as this process can get emotionally complicated. My advice is rooted in translating Prophetic practices into modern guidelines. We cannot simply cut and paste the practices of American dating, and many of the premarital processes from previous generations don’t work for American Muslims today. My goal is clear—for everyone to have a healthy, safe, and Prophetically-inspired premarital experience.
I can’t predict if the matches that come from my Coffee & Conversations events will lead to marriage. But I’ve learned over the years from many singles that my coaching advice has helped them approach the premarital process everytime they meet a potential with intentionality, purpose, and a clear framework. This is true for those who are starting their first premarital conversation, and those who have been searching for years. In fact, at a community wedding recently, a single person pulled me aside and shared that they are in conversations with someone about marriage. They didn’t meet the other person at one of my events, but my coaching advice helped them navigate this new relationship with more ease and success. (I hope I hear about a new engagement soon, inshAllah!) Years ago, when I consulted a more experienced community matchmaker, she reminded me that success is not defined as how many marriages come from your events, but it’s how many people you helped along the way.
This is why I have begun to introduce myself in community events as a premarital coach. I offer private events for singles to meet one another for marriage, but I also coach them along the entire premarital journey. I’m so appreciative for the opportunity to mentor a community leader about initiating their own Coffee & Conversations and include coaching in their future plans. It’s truly a full circle moment! May Allah increase our efforts and bring success to our work.
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