Navigating the Pre-Marriage Process as a Family
This morning I led a MOM network discussion about supporting our adult children through the pre-marriage process. I’ve been delivering community workshops on pre-marriage for almost 20 years, but this was my first time speaking to an exclusively Muslim parent audience. Of course I covered some of my standard topics— defining the purpose of marriage in Islam, the sunnah of choosing a spouse, and guidance for Muslims on what to look for in a husband or a wife. This was essential information that parents need to support their adult children.
But, speaking to parents of adult children offered a unique opportunity to address some of the most common concerns that young singles have shared with me over the years. In preparing for today’s conversation I identified three key advices that all parents need to know if they want to maintain a healthy, open relationship with their adult children through the premarital journey. I’ll share my advices here for all of you — pass it along to a parent navigating this journey with their adult child.
- Keep your reflections real! Marriage is a beautiful institution in Islam. But not all marriages project beauty, peace, and love. So when you are talking with your adult child about marriage, keep it real–be honest–when you begin to reflect on your own experiences of marriage. For many adult children, they see your marriage relationship up close. All marriages have challenges, even the ones that last for decades. And many marriages have an element of goodness, even the ones that ended in divorce. So when a parent talks about marriage in Islam with their adult child, be transparent and forthcoming. Teach your child how marriage is work— work that persists in good times and bad. Talk to your child about the beauties of marriage, even if you haven’t been able to fully experience them. And help your adult child remember that they are witness to many types of marriages, across aunts and uncles, grandparents, family friends, and community members. Use all of these examples to describe healthy marriage in Islam, showing how it can be rooted in beauty, peace, and love.
- Manage your expectations! Parents need to acknowledge that they hold expectations for their adult child’s premarital journey. Some parents expect their child to have a premarital experience that mirrors their own. Others expect them to choose a partner using the same criteria that they used decades ago. And others expect their adult children to maintain the family’s lineage by choosing a partner from their same background. But without direct conversations, these can become hidden expectations that may disrupt an adult child’s premarital experience. Instead, I encourage parents to talk and listen with their adult child about shared expectations. Be open to your child having a premarital experience different from your own. Consider how times have changed and our context has shifted. And be willing to create new premarital expectations together.
- Nurture your child’s emotional wellbeing! The premarital process is complex and complicated, and your adult child may experience challenges and delays as they seek to get married. During this time, parents should nurture their child’s emotional wellbeing. Encourage your adult child to build healthy friendships. Support your adult child’s continuing education and professional goals. Champion their emerging independence and adult behaviors. Parents should not belittle their adult child for being single— no shaming, no condescension, no embarrassment. Parents should not tell their adult child to put their growth and development on hold until they get married, or narrowly focus on skills needed for housework or childrearing. Adult children need parents who affirm their emotional wellbeing by showing love, affection, and support through all stages of the premarital process— especially the time before they find someone serious to consider. Lastly, be open to your child seeking advice and mentorship from another trusted community member. This may include an imam, marriage coach, or role model of their choice. (I offer complementary pre-marriage coaching for all Coffee & Conversations participants).
Adult children need their parents during the premarital process. Parents need to show up, be supportive, and be involved in ways that are helpful to their adult child during the premarital process. Thank you, MOM network, for convening this important conversation for parents of adult children.
May Allah grant ease to all of our adult children as they navigate this period to find a spouse who will be the comfort of their eyes. And may Allah bestow upon parents wisdom and discernment as we journey with our adult children through the premarital process. Ameen!
