Coffee & Conversations

“Whether you call us reverts or converts, adults who accept Islam on their own need particular supports as they navigate the premarital process.“

I declared my Shahadah at the Islamic Center of Washington DC the first Friday in October 1994.  I rode the Metrobus to Massachusetts Avenue to get to the masjid, wearing a new dress and matching hijab that I sewed myself.  On the bus, an older Muslim man approached me and asked if I was Muslim.  I smiled and said “yes” feeling giddy that I was recognized as a Muslim on my Shahadah day.  Then he asked me if I was single and I froze in utter dismay and embarrassment.  I didn’t understand why my marital status was the follow up question to my new religious identity.  He didn’t skip a beat and told me he had a nephew that I could marry who would be perfect for me.  I was too new in the faith to realize that I had the right to be offended, so I just sat there in shock and confusion.  

My story is not unique.  Many other sisters who accept Islam as adults narrate stories of being approached by strange Muslim men with proposals for marriage.  We are told that there is no dating in Islam and that we should just accept any proposal from a good, Muslim man to protect ourselves from sin.  We are shamed for being self-indulgent and materialistic if we turn down a marriage proposal, even one delivered by a stranger.  And the beautiful phrase, ‘marriage is half your deen’, is weaponized against us as a charge that we are incomplete Muslims because we are single. 

This is not okay.  This weekend, I participated in a Revert Conference where I helped start a conversation on how best to navigate the premarital process after accepting Islam.  Whether you call us reverts or converts, adults who accept Islam on their own need particular supports as they navigate the premarital process. Although I offered many advices and recommendations, it was my conversation on the role of the wali that truly resonated with the brothers and sisters in the audience.  The wali, translated often as guardian, is the role a man plays on behalf of a single woman to assist her with getting married.  For reverts, we often select, or are assigned, a brother in the community without understanding the significance of the role and the importance of guardianship.  So for all those who wish to support converts in their local area, let’s agree to the following community commitments to strengthen the experiences of those among us.

1. Married men should partner with their wives to serve as a wali for a single sister.  There are too many cases of spiritual abuse of a wali taking advantage of the trust of a single sister.  It is not appropriate, nor permissible, for the wali to seek out opportunities to be alone with the sister he is expected to protect, nor is it appropriate for him to try to initiate a private relationship with her.  Instead, men can accept the role of wali while fully involving their wife in the process.  They can talk as a group of three about how best to support the single sister, building a relationship with her as a married couple.  This offers protection and comfort to the sister navigating the premarital process.
2. The wali should serve as a bridge between the revert and their family.  The wali can help the single person communicate the marriage process to a family that may be unfamiliar with Islamic practices.  The wali can also help the single person involve their family in the premarital process.  The wali provides an essential role of ensuring the single person has adequate premarital support, but the wali should not exclude the family from the process.  Marriage in Islam is the union of two families, and this includes the family of the convert.  The wali can help facilitate this involvement in ways that affirm the new Muslim’s religious identity and practice while maintaining their family ties.
3. The role of the wali and his wife should extend far beyond the premarital process.  Should the revert successfully marry, the new couple will need abundant support as they build relationships between Muslim and non-Muslim in-laws.  The wali and his wife should continue to mentor the new couple and serve as a guide as they encounter new milestones in their marriage.  And, should the convert not get married, the wali and his wife should continue to provide support and guidance, even if the single person is no longer actively speaking to someone for marriage.  A guardian should be there through all seasons of life.

Thank you to the Muslim Community Center in Silver Spring, Maryland, for inviting me to speak today at their first Revert Conference.  I appreciated being able to speak openly about the unique journey that adults face when they navigate the premarital process as a new Muslim.  May Allah bless and protect all of the reverts among us, and may He strengthen our communities with increased capacity and empathy to support everyone, especially our newest members.