Last month, the NY Times Opinion section published a piece titled “Older women in demand by younger men”. The first line of the essay reads, “Younger men are increasingly seeking out older women—and it’s not just a dating trend. It’s a shift in power, desire and modern masculinity.” Although this opinion is centered around the American dating scene, I wanted to reflect on the reality of older Muslim women being considered for marriage by younger Muslim men. This reality is a central storyline in any narration of the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and we can consider it as we imagine our own premarital expectations.
Before prophethood, our Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) was a trusted member of the community and a skilled merchant. He led caravans to distant lands, trading goods and resources, buying and selling. His employer was our Beloved Mother Khadijah, known then as the most successful business woman of her time. When she was considering marriage for the third time as a single mother, after being widowed twice, she looked for a trustworthy husband, someone to lead her family and join her in her business network. She was 40 years old when a friend suggested that she consider Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), a young 25 year old whose reputation was remarkable. She sent word to him about her interest, his reply confirmed his interest, and the beginning of a 25 year marriage love story began. We all know the rest of their story — the emergence of Prophethood, the sacrifices endured during the Makkan boycott, and the immense grief felt upon her death. Our faith has modeled how love, trust, and commitment can blossom from a marriage between an older woman and a younger man.
And although contemporary American society may question the genuineness of such a marriage, Muslims today should not hesitate to embody this aspect of the Prophetic tradition. But as a premarital coach, I’ve learned there are some considerations that singles should make when planning a premarital experience across a significant age gap between an older woman and a younger man. [For the purposes of this reflection, a significant age gap will be defined as any relationship where the sister is 5 or more years older that the brother.]
- Explore motivations and capacity. One reason why marriages across significant age gaps remains uncommon is that people bring objectionable motivations to the relationship. It’s important to seek clarity why the other person is considering you for marriage. Be cautious against someone seeking you for your age bracket or a social status, and look for a partner who values you as an individual. Is this person seeking stability or liberation from social norms by considering you for marriage? Do you suspect that they are incompatible with people their own age, so they are seeking an easier way to find a marriage partner? Are they trying to exert masculinity or femininity in ways that are not accepted by others in their own age group? These questions will guide you in exploring your motivations, and the other person’s motivations for marriage across age gaps.
Another reason why marriage across significant age gaps remains uncommon is that many people do not have the physical, emotional, or social capacity to support such a relationship. To consider if the other person is truly ready, try asking yourself questions like:
- Beauty and attraction changes over time, how will this person gain the capacity to respond with care and gentleness to my physical changes due to age?
- If I experience health, strength, or emotional challenges due to age, how will this person gain the capacity to respond with sensitivity?
- If my desire, or lack of desire, for childrearing is due to age, how will we create the capacity to build a shared agreement?
- If I experience unwanted social attention because of our age gap, how will this person demonstrate strength to protect my emotions around others?
- People across significant age gaps are often in different life stages. How will this person gain the capacity to truly support you in your current life stage?
- Confirm intentions. The NY Times Opinion article suggests that more people are considering relationships with significant age gaps because it offers new possibilities beyond someone in their own age group. The article discusses both men and women looking for new expectations of power dynamics, reimagining attraction, and freedom from social norms. In a Muslim premarital relationship, all couples should have open conversations about marriage intentions and this is quite true for couples with a significant age gap. Of course, in Islam there are traditional marriage roles assigned to men and women, but each couples should openly discuss these to ensure that they reflect their own understanding and motivations associated with their image of marriage. Managing work and finances, raising children, setting social expectations, relationships with in-laws, and even wedding celebration planning have the potential to be understood quite differently among people with a significant age gap. This may lead to different expectations of marriage shaped by one’s age and life experiences, and these should be addressed directly to protect the premarital relationship from hidden expectations.
- Explore social compatibility. Couples with a significant age gap need to ensure that there is social compatibility between them. Prepare your loved ones for the expected realities of supporting a marriage across a significant age gap, and model how to display respectful talk and a caring disposition. Protect your partner from age-related jokes and vague insults. Spend time together with your family, and time with theirs to confirm that both sets of families are open to building loving and healthy relationships with the potential in-law. Spend time together with your friends, and time with theirs to see if your social connections can support this new relationship with shared activities. And, most importantly, determine if the two of you have social compatibility together— find shared interests and priorities to build a potential social relationship after marriage across your age difference. Of course many married couples can look forward to creating new social relationships with others after marriage, but no one should have to enter a marriage knowing that their existing support systems across family and friends are not positioned to extend their approval and assistance to a new couple across a significant age gap.
- Bring curiosity and interest. The premarital process is dedicated to exploring compatibility for marriage through intentional conversations between a Muslim man and woman. This is especially true for couples exploring marriage across a significant age gap. Protect yourself against assigning values, beliefs and practices to your potential partner because of their age. Lean in with curiosity to get to know them as an individual, not an age bracket. Explore their interests, understand their priorities, and learn about their experiences. If someone has a previous marriage or even children, engage in questions of curiosity rather than building assumptions about their past. A healthy marriage begins with a genuine curiosity to truly know one another. Be cautious with people who speak about you by always referencing your age and your age difference, or who assert their age or life experience as domination over you and your life experiences. No one should belittle you because of your age, and no one should assume superiority because of theirs. Premarital relationships across significant age gaps should still model respect, care, and a kind disposition.
To explore these topics and many others, I recommend that couples with a significant age gap begin the premarital counseling process early in their relationship to have external assistance working through these complex realities.
In a Coffee & Conversations private eligibility appointment, I ask each potential participant to state their age and describe the age range they are open to meeting for marriage. I welcome participants who are open to exploring nontraditional age ranges as an attempt to model the Prophetic tradition. To be clear, I do not facilitate premarital introductions among people whose intentions are to explore base desires. I seek to create safe spaces for singles to meet one another, and this includes building small groups of single men and single women who express authentic interests to meet others through a shared commitment of exploring marriage with or without regards to their age.
Leave a Reply